Saturday, February 22, 2020

Be free and don't walk on eggshells with toxic people


Hi everyone,

Over the past few weeks, many of you have reached out to me about wanting to hear more about safe and unsafe people. Many times we understand what makes someone unsafe. We find that if we have to walk on eggshells, we can’t be ourselves, and we keep our desires hidden because we don’t believe our thoughts and feelings are welcome.

So, what makes a safe person? Let’s take a look at this.

A safe person does three things for you:

Helps you become a better version of yourself. An unsafe person will influence you to become someone you’re not comfortable with. They may reject your ideas or discourage you from making healthy choices for yourself.

Helps you connect with other safe people. A safe person wants you to have others to reach out to and connect with. Safe families want you to go out into the world and build yourself into a better relational person. Safe people are not possessive.

Helps you to develop your spiritual growth. I'm a Christian, and my safe people help me to grow my faith and recognize my higher purpose in life. This should be true no matter your particular faith or what you believe — good relationships foster our spiritual growth and development.

Here’s the kicker: Though we have unsafe people who are part of our lives, we often wonder if they can change. Well, I hope so! Change is definitely possible. But, it’s like I was telling someone the other day — just because someone is sorry for the hurt they’ve caused you doesn’t mean they’ve changed. It may mean they want to be different, but you must be able to see tangible fruit to know the change is real.

Let's talk more about safe and unsafe people right here. 

Until next time ...

Cheers, 
Twitter
Facebook
Website


Copyright © 2019 Dr. Henry Cloud, All rights reserved.
You are receiving this email because you opted in at our website or store.

Our mailing address is:
Dr. Henry Cloud
PO BOX 3718
Beverly Hills, CA 90210


Want to change how you receive these emails?
You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list.

Twitter
Facebook
Website


Copyright © 2019 Dr. Henry Cloud, All rights reserved.
You are receiving this email because you opted in at our website or store.

Our mailing address is:
Dr. Henry Cloud
PO BOX 3718
Beverly Hills, CA 90210


Want to change how you receive these emails?
You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list.

Twitter
Facebook
Website


Copyright © 2019 Dr. Henry Cloud, All rights reserved.
You are receiving this email because you opted in at our website or store.

Our mailing address is:
Dr. Henry Cloud
PO BOX 3718
Beverly Hills, CA 90210


Want to change how you receive these emails?
You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list.

Twitter
Facebook
Website


Copyright © 2019 Dr. Henry Cloud, All rights reserved.
You are receiving this email because you opted in at our website or store.

Our mailing address is:
Dr. Henry Cloud
PO BOX 3718
Beverly Hills, CA 90210


Want to change how you receive these emails?
You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list.

Saturday, February 15, 2020

Trusting After Trust Has Been Broken

Trusting After Trust Has Been Broken

By John Townsend, John's Blog

All relationships take work, whether they are a marriage, a dating relationship, a family member, a business associate or a friend. But one of the most difficult situations is when someone breaks trust with us. It could involve lying, unfaithfulness or betrayal in some way.  And it can be devastating.
It is difficult because one of our most fundamental needs for survival is trust. Without trust, we don’t know who the other person is anymore. And we don’t know how careful, or how free, to be with them anymore. Safety, care, love and risk don’t work at all when trust has been broken. So how do you deal with the relationship when it’s happened, the person wants to you to trust them again, and they still matter enough to you, to think it might be worth it if they really change?  Here are some helpful steps.
They express authentic concern about their negative impact on you. If the person is the real thing, they will spend very little time on being defensive,  how they didn’t really mean it, how you don’t understand, or how you’re part of the problem too. That’s useless, and it’s about them. Instead, they will authentically communicate that they screwed up and they hurt you, no excuses, and they will want to know how it impacted you. That is what functioning adults do.
They deal with their “why.” The words, “Sorry, it won’t happen again” after a bad pattern of behavior, is a red flag. There is something driving the behavior, and they must spend some time figuring that out. Is it selfishness?  Old hurts? Shame? Insecurity? Dependency? Anger? The “why” must be something they care about and dig into.
They bring in others to help. They don’t say “We’ll solve this, just the two of us.” Bad sign. They would have already done that successfully by now. The great great majority of trust problems require therapists, confidants, pastors and others who have 10,000 hours of skills on these.  
They change measurably over time. Words are a great starting point, but you must see observable behavioral changes, over weeks and months. Don’t get hooked into excuses like “I’ve been busy.” And don’t’ get hooked into someone being compliant for a week or two, then it falls apart again. If the relationship is a priority, the behavior should change. They don’t have to be perfect. But they do have to make significant progress over time.
They pass a small test. At some point, if they are doing the steps above, and you want to continue the relationship, take some small risk, like be vulnerable about something minor, or lend them a bit of money, or any other risk. If they are attuned to your experience, faithful, truthful, don’t judge you or use you, that is a good sign.
Use others to help you. We often are not objective about these matters, especially when emotions are involved. Have a Life Team of a few people who can say “Green Flag” or “Red Flag” in your decisions. They can save a lot of time and energy for you.
My book BEYOND BOUNDARIES goes into depth on this important topic. Trust betrayed can become trust restored. If the relationship is worth it to the other person, they will do what is required.
Best,
John Townsend

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Rescuing is not caring for someone

Dr. Henry Cloud <info@drcloud.com>
Hi everyone,

Codependency is something that often that needs to be addressed because it can be a huge obstacle in your life, and learning to say no is crucial to removing this obstacle.

Codependency is most simply defined as a tendency to take too much responsibility for the problems of others. While it’s good to care for, help and support people, the codependent crosses a line in the relationship – the line of responsibility. Instead of being responsible to others, the codependent becomes responsible for them. And, unless the other person is your child or someone whose care is entrusted to you, the line of responsibility between the to and the for can become quite blurred. The result is that instead of caring and helping, you begin enabling and rescuing. Enabling and rescuing do not empower anybody. They only increase dependency, entitlement, and irresponsibility. Love builds up strength and character, whereas codependency breaks them down.

Let’s talk more about codependent behaviors and how to break those habits. 

Until next time …

Cheers,

Henry

P.S. The latest episode of the Boundaries.Me podcast is out, and you can listen to it here.